Emo blog
Hipster side bag
Snarky remark
Sarcastic wisecrack
Too tight jeans
We're in the scene
We have seen
Everything
Ironic mustache
Gram of blow
We're going to the Mt St Helens Vietnam Band show
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
POWER CHORDS FOR THE LORD: A poem about Christian Josh
Christian Josh likes to mosh
to the sounds of the Jesus rock
with a crucifix
in the prayer circle pit
he slams and speaks in tongues
blast beats for Jesus
power chords for the lord
slam dancing with the holy horde
to the sounds of the Jesus rock
with a crucifix
in the prayer circle pit
he slams and speaks in tongues
blast beats for Jesus
power chords for the lord
slam dancing with the holy horde
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Update! Part 2
Oops, I left out one of the best racist jokes....
Q: What did the racist order at Taco Bell?
A: SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: What did the racist order at Taco Bell?
A: SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Update!
I just thought of this one. Its kind of dry so prepare yourself with a glass of water.
Q: Why do tweekers love heavy metal music?
A: Because it sucks.
Q: Why do tweekers love heavy metal music?
A: Because it sucks.
RACIST JOKES
Tonight I was hanging out with my buddy Collin and we decided to tell some racist jokes. Jokes about racists that is. There's not very many jokes about racists out there so here's what we came up with. Please note that all uses of racial slurs are from the view point of the racist and are used for the benefit of the joke. Okay, here goes...
Q: Why was the racist scared of Halloween?
A: Because he heard that's when the spooks come out.
Q: Why did the racist leave the renaissance fair?
A: He heard there was a chink in his armor.
Q: Why did the racist cross the road?
A: Because there was an African American family walking down the block.
Racists weren't the only victims this night. We also had quite a few laughs at the expense of frat boys and tweekers. Here's a few other jokes we came up with.....
Q: Whats the difference between a tweeker and a zombie?
A: Zombies eat.
Q: Why do frat boys wear baseball caps?
A: To keep the jizz out their hair.
Q: What did the tweeker and the hockey player have in common?
A: They're both white guys with mullets on ice.
Q: Whats the worst part about going to a frat party?
A: Getting raped.
Q: Why did the tweeker cross the road?
A: Giant spiders.
Q: What did the frat boy magician say when he pulled a rabbit out of his hat?
A: Ah-bro-ca-da-bro
Q: Why do tweekers prefer to have sex doggy style?
A: So they can both peek out of the blinds.
Q: Why did the frat boy wear a condom?
A: So he wouldn't leave any evidence.
Q: How did the tweeker lose five pounds in one day?
A: Picking scabs.
And my personal favorite...
Q: How many frat boys can you fit in a hummer?
A: It depends on how many roofies shes had.
Q: Why was the racist scared of Halloween?
A: Because he heard that's when the spooks come out.
Q: Why did the racist leave the renaissance fair?
A: He heard there was a chink in his armor.
Q: Why did the racist cross the road?
A: Because there was an African American family walking down the block.
Racists weren't the only victims this night. We also had quite a few laughs at the expense of frat boys and tweekers. Here's a few other jokes we came up with.....
Q: Whats the difference between a tweeker and a zombie?
A: Zombies eat.
Q: Why do frat boys wear baseball caps?
A: To keep the jizz out their hair.
Q: What did the tweeker and the hockey player have in common?
A: They're both white guys with mullets on ice.
Q: Whats the worst part about going to a frat party?
A: Getting raped.
Q: Why did the tweeker cross the road?
A: Giant spiders.
Q: What did the frat boy magician say when he pulled a rabbit out of his hat?
A: Ah-bro-ca-da-bro
Q: Why do tweekers prefer to have sex doggy style?
A: So they can both peek out of the blinds.
Q: Why did the frat boy wear a condom?
A: So he wouldn't leave any evidence.
Q: How did the tweeker lose five pounds in one day?
A: Picking scabs.
And my personal favorite...
Q: How many frat boys can you fit in a hummer?
A: It depends on how many roofies shes had.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
His name is Buzz Lightyear. His name is Buzz Lightyear.
The first rule of drunk club is you must get drunk and ramble about drunk club.
The second rule of drunk is no seriously, no no listen, you don't even know, seriously.
The third rule of drunk club is that there are no rules, except that there are.
The fourth rule of drunk club is that if someone pukes, steps in a puddle of urine or drunkenly confesses an embarrassing secret, you must laugh maniacally.
The fifth and final rule of drunk club is, if this is your first night at drunk club you have to piss foot fight.
The second rule of drunk is no seriously, no no listen, you don't even know, seriously.
The third rule of drunk club is that there are no rules, except that there are.
The fourth rule of drunk club is that if someone pukes, steps in a puddle of urine or drunkenly confesses an embarrassing secret, you must laugh maniacally.
The fifth and final rule of drunk club is, if this is your first night at drunk club you have to piss foot fight.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
special request
Last Saturday I was hanging out with some friends getting drunk on alcohol. One of them left and gave the rest of us the impression that he would be coming back to the bar. After a few hours he still hadn't returned. I said maybe we had misheard him, thinking he said "I'm going to come back here" when in actuality he might have said "I'm going to comb my back hair." Tim suggested I should put that in my blog so there you go.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Ten things I want to do before I die
In no particular order...
1: Put out a record. Preferably a full length with art and the whole shebang. Physical formats, vinyl, CD, cassette. I tunes and CDRs don't count.
2: Tour. Worldwide preferably but nationwide would be great too. I'll even "settle" for just the west coast.
3: Fly a plane. Even if for just a few minutes. If i was sitting in the cockpit and they let me just keep it steady for a minute or two I would be content.
4: Go to space. This one will probably never happen unless you count that one time I dropped acid and......
5: Travel. This is different from touring as far as I know. From what I've read, when you're on tour you usually don't get the opportunity to explore the places you're at. I think Japan would be cool.
6: Write a book. I'm not sure what kind. Perhaps a novel, or maybe a tell all biography about the rise and fall of The Vague Prophets. I could get all nostalgic about the early days, how it was so fun and pure and about the music, man. And about how we struggled with our success, denying our super star status. Then about how Ben started slipping further down into heroin addiction. About Bagel's near death experience from auto erotic asphyxiation and subsequent departure from the band and new found faith in Jesus. And of Steve's untimely death during a fight at a Thailand brothel. I'll reveal how I was the glue that held the band together for so long but no matter how hard I tried to pull the band together I wasn't strong enough to keep the others from pulling it apart.
7: Be a guest on the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien. Maybe as a musical guest or to talk about my book.
8: Renew my tabs on time. At least once.
9: Do something charitable besides drunkenly giving my jacket to a crazy lady or "donating" stuff to Goodwill.
10: Quit smoking.
1: Put out a record. Preferably a full length with art and the whole shebang. Physical formats, vinyl, CD, cassette. I tunes and CDRs don't count.
2: Tour. Worldwide preferably but nationwide would be great too. I'll even "settle" for just the west coast.
3: Fly a plane. Even if for just a few minutes. If i was sitting in the cockpit and they let me just keep it steady for a minute or two I would be content.
4: Go to space. This one will probably never happen unless you count that one time I dropped acid and......
5: Travel. This is different from touring as far as I know. From what I've read, when you're on tour you usually don't get the opportunity to explore the places you're at. I think Japan would be cool.
6: Write a book. I'm not sure what kind. Perhaps a novel, or maybe a tell all biography about the rise and fall of The Vague Prophets. I could get all nostalgic about the early days, how it was so fun and pure and about the music, man. And about how we struggled with our success, denying our super star status. Then about how Ben started slipping further down into heroin addiction. About Bagel's near death experience from auto erotic asphyxiation and subsequent departure from the band and new found faith in Jesus. And of Steve's untimely death during a fight at a Thailand brothel. I'll reveal how I was the glue that held the band together for so long but no matter how hard I tried to pull the band together I wasn't strong enough to keep the others from pulling it apart.
7: Be a guest on the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien. Maybe as a musical guest or to talk about my book.
8: Renew my tabs on time. At least once.
9: Do something charitable besides drunkenly giving my jacket to a crazy lady or "donating" stuff to Goodwill.
10: Quit smoking.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
It's not funny, my ass is on fire
I was considering putting a post up praising the nachos I made myself for dinner last night. I was going to go in to detail about how I meticulously layered the chips on the baking pan, evenly spread out the jalapenos, black olives, diced onions and tomatoes. I was going to tell you about the perfect 60/40 sharp cheddar to pepper jack ratio. And about how when I pulled the pan out of the oven I topped the perfectly melted cheese with sour cream, black bean salsa and few dashes of Frank's red hot with lime. These nachos were so fucking good I was planing on having them again tonight. That was before. Before the night of endless farting. Before the morning shit that brought tears to my eyes. Before the second bowel movement that erased any inklings of hope I still held onto that there was in fact a God. Now I know why there is toilet paper with aloe. It no longer seems like a mere coincidence that toilet starts with TOIL. Ughh, I'm never eating nachos again.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Commercials I would make if I worked in advertisisng part 1
I've often thought of getting a job in advertising. It seems like it would be a pretty easy gig. As far as I can tell you sit around on your ass all day and imagine clever little ways to market things to people that they either are already going to buy (food, toilet paper, medicine) or shit they don't need (snuggies, electric scissors, medicine for illnesses that don't really exist). Unfortunately, I don't have the "credentials" but if I did here's an idea I'd pitch to the firm.
Razor commercials, we've all seen them. They all work on the premise that shaving is the most unbearable thing in the whole world. Then they tell you why their razor is superior to all the rest and how it will make shaving the most pleasant of your morning rituals besides taking a shit and jerking off in the shower. My razor commercial idea doesn't really stray too far from the rest. The most noticeable difference in mine would be the use of contemporary alternative rock song "best of you" by the foo fighters. I personally hate this song. I think its radio safe mediocre fodder for aging spineless 90's "alternateens". That's exactly why I feel it'd be perfect for the commercial.
So this is my "treatment", that's what they call it in the biz I think.
Video montage of a man shaving. The man is visibly uncomfortable.( Talk to the guys in the visual effects department about animating glowing red areas on the man's faces where he just shaved.) In comes the music, loud and seemingly out of nowhere. The chorus repeats multiple times.(Is someone getting the best, the best, the best of you?) The man is visibly confused, looking around for the source of the music. An arm comes out of the mirror with a (insert the name of titanium multi blade razor here) in it's hand and hands it to the man. A manly voice over comes in over the music: "Is your razor getting the best of your face when you should be getting the best out of your razor? It's time to say hello to the (insert razor name here).With it's (insert number here) blades, flexible head design and unique moisturising strip, you can say goodbye to irritation and start getting the most out of your razor and your life." At this point a woman walks in the bathroom after the man has shaved. She begins touching the man's face to feel how smooth it is. The woman then starts giving the man a seductive smile and starts pulling the man presumably to the bedroom for intercourse. The man, still looking in the mirror, gives himself a self congratulatory look. The hand then reappears from the mirror and gives the man a "thumbs up."
THE END
Razor commercials, we've all seen them. They all work on the premise that shaving is the most unbearable thing in the whole world. Then they tell you why their razor is superior to all the rest and how it will make shaving the most pleasant of your morning rituals besides taking a shit and jerking off in the shower. My razor commercial idea doesn't really stray too far from the rest. The most noticeable difference in mine would be the use of contemporary alternative rock song "best of you" by the foo fighters. I personally hate this song. I think its radio safe mediocre fodder for aging spineless 90's "alternateens". That's exactly why I feel it'd be perfect for the commercial.
So this is my "treatment", that's what they call it in the biz I think.
Video montage of a man shaving. The man is visibly uncomfortable.( Talk to the guys in the visual effects department about animating glowing red areas on the man's faces where he just shaved.) In comes the music, loud and seemingly out of nowhere. The chorus repeats multiple times.(Is someone getting the best, the best, the best of you?) The man is visibly confused, looking around for the source of the music. An arm comes out of the mirror with a (insert the name of titanium multi blade razor here) in it's hand and hands it to the man. A manly voice over comes in over the music: "Is your razor getting the best of your face when you should be getting the best out of your razor? It's time to say hello to the (insert razor name here).With it's (insert number here) blades, flexible head design and unique moisturising strip, you can say goodbye to irritation and start getting the most out of your razor and your life." At this point a woman walks in the bathroom after the man has shaved. She begins touching the man's face to feel how smooth it is. The woman then starts giving the man a seductive smile and starts pulling the man presumably to the bedroom for intercourse. The man, still looking in the mirror, gives himself a self congratulatory look. The hand then reappears from the mirror and gives the man a "thumbs up."
THE END
Ben and Joe's BROmantic getaway part 4
This is what professional rock musicians commonly refer to as "band practice".
Thursday, April 2, 2009
weird dream
I had a really fucking weird dream last night. O.k., here it goes.. There was an election going on in California (where I don't live) and Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn't run because he served the maximum amount of terms. There was a lot of buzz about who was going to run in his place. Then one day I was at press conference where Arnold endorsed Sylvester Stallone as the republican canidate for govenor of California. Stallone had recently lost one of his legs while performing a stunt for a movie, or at least thats what he wanted us to think. Soon afterward I found myself walking behind Stallone and another man and I was eavesdropping on their conversation. It turns out that Sly Stone didn't lose his leg on a movie set at all! He sawed off his own leg to help get sympathy votes. That was the end of the dream. So if you live in California, next time theres an election for govenor if theres a one legged Sylvester Stallone on the ballot, don't fall for it! It's a trick.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Eclectic Approach
We were fortunate enough to share a bill with these guys a few months back. Unfortunately mother nature went ape shit and dumped crazy amounts of snow and we were unable to make it. We're staying hopeful and praying that we will once again have the opportunity to play with one of the greatest bands of our time.
Are you thirstin more?
Thirst-tea celebrity endorsement blooper!
After the initial launch of THIRST-TEA into the market I realized that sales were a wee bit sluggish. At first I attributed it to the piss poor economy (have you heard about that shit? It's all over the news) but then i realized that you need celebrities to sell pretty much anything in this country. My first choice was ECLECTIC APPROACH but they wouldn't return my calls. After more failed attempts including Linkin Park, N'sync, Hootie And The Blowfish, The Vague Prophets and Juicebox I decided to set my aim lower. Thats when I had the idea to get John Lennon from The Beatles to do it. I figured hey, the guy's got no fucking credibility at all, he'll be begging for a chance to hop on the gravy train. Tragically, my ASSistant BENdover Allen recently informed me that John Lennon died "like four years before you were born or something." Regardless, I decided to take the opportunity to cash in and exploit one of the least significant figures of popular music by naming THIRST-TEA's first flavor after the talentless hack. Thus, THIRST-TEA John Lemon was born!
Are you thirstin?
Recently I was somewhat hungover (ugghh, i'm never drinking again) and was n need of a refreshing beverage to help destroy the hate in my brain (dukka dukka dukka). I went to the store to get a tasty beverage and found I couldn't decide between iced tea and gatorade. What was I to do? On one hand I craved the awesome taste of iced tea but i also yearned for the hangover reducing qualities of gatorade but without the weird taste of warm camel urine. I decided at that time to take action and invent the world's greatest drink. I would combine the awesome taste of iced tea with the awesome power of electrolytes and all other kinds of space age hydrating technology. Something that would like hella quench your thirst and shit and taste like tea. The name, THIRST-TEA!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Ben and Joe's BROmantic getaway part 3
Next stop, the year 3000 B.C.! On our journey back to the states our makeshift raft made entirely out of empty pabst blue ribbon cans held together with vague prophets stickers got sucked into a whirlpool and when we emerged on the other side we had been transported to another time. Imagine doing back in time over five thousand years to the very beginning of the earth. How exciting! Ben and I also got the opportunity to meet our favorite comedian of all time, Martin Lawrence! Martin had some really funny things to say about how dinosaurs don't have butts.
Ben and Joe's BROmantic getaway part 2
Next stop, France. After all the fun we had at the magic kingdom, we decided to try to soak in a little culture. Paris was truly amazing despite the fact that the people there talk funny and are all faggy and stuff. We decided to pay tribute to one of France's greatest icons Pepe Le Peu by trying repeatably to rape a cat.
Ben and Joe's BROmantic getaway part 1
Last week my girlfriend Sarah went to Missouri for six days to visit her family. To help fill the hole in my heart left by her absence, I turned to my friend and fellow vague prophets band mate Ben for support and companionship. We had a lot of great times and wacky adventures together that week. I thought it would be nice to share some photos and stories with everyone of what will surely be remembered by me as one of the most magical weeks of my life. This is us at Disneyland. We had a really great time here. We went on all of the rides, TWICE! I ate so many funnel cakes I almost barfed on the tea cups! LOL!
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